What is co-parenting?
Co-parenting is an ideal parenting relationship after divorce, in which, both parents are involved in all choices regarding their child. Co-parenting denotes the process of parents how they work together when they are raising a child.
It is an acknowledged fact that after divorce or separation, it is very hard for parents to disassociate from the feelings, they have for each other from their duties as parents. Nevertheless, one of the most helpful things, parents can do for their child’s welfare is that both the parents should put away their annoyance and cooperate with each other in parenting.
It is inconvenient and troublesome to slip all the responsibilities to just one single parent to look after and nurture the child because it puts negative impact on the child. Instead, they should adopt co-parenting technique in which both parents are dedicated to work together in nurturing their child. In this way the child has close relationship with both sides of the parents, and gets their proper attention.
Married parents are indebted to raise and look after the child together, through all the good and bad. If the marriage ends due to some issues, both parents should still work jointly, share the parental duties and make strategies for the future development of their child. Both parents should confirm that the child can still get the love and care of both parents because she is allowed for even after the divorce between her parents.
The target of co-parenting
It has been noticed that the child experiences different kinds of worrying feelings when her parents are divorced or separated. Sometimes, it happens that the child is too young to understand or recognize adult’s problems; she innocently believes that as long as they stop fighting, or if mom stops asking dad for more money, the problems will vanish.
In some situations, she inclines to blame the parent who starts the separation. Therefore, co-parenting can save both of you from such results and the target of co-parenting should be the proper growth of your child. There should be pleasant conversation between both the parents that will develop love of your child for both of you.
Child needs affection and attention
Co-parenting is good idea to give proper affection and care to your child after divorce. As responsible parents, you should remember that divorce is an end to a marriage, but it doesn’t mean to change your parenting role for your child. It doesn’t matter with whom your child is living, she should never have to lose the link and love of the other parent and it is your duty to help withstand and nurture your relationship with your child.
Pay full attention and love to your child because your divorced family is not broken on the part of your child’s growth. Both parents are agreed and indebted to take care of their child which doesn’t finish with the marriage.
The divorced parents’ cooperation
Co-parenting develops a positive attitude between both the divorced parents in the matter of their child’s good grooming. Parents should try to cooperate so that they can co-parent their child. There are several benefits and advantages of working together as co-parent.
Some of the important benefits and advantages of co-parenting are as under:
- The child experiences less conflict between her parents.
- She is facilitated her needs by both parents.
- The child feels safe and is being cared as she is not abandoned by either of her parent.
- Child is not left alone in the middle due to co-parenting.
- She is less likely to feel responsible for the needs of her parents.
- There is not much density on one parent to take on complete duty for all choices.
- There is less legal conflict in her parents.
- Co-parenting reduces the stress among the child and both parents.
Allocation of divorced parents’ accountability treaty
It is difficult situation for divorced parents to work together hand in hand for the child’s caring arrangement. When making the plans, they should consider the needs of the child according to her age, personality, and development stage. And, there should be treaty between both the divorced parents regarding the minute care of their child for good co-parenting.
To get good results from co-parenting, parenting plans are necessary. In the parenting plans, you expect trials and minimize stress for you and your child. As parents, your advanced planning keeps your mind unblemished and helps you meditate wisely. Your mediation can be of a great importance to finalize details to a parenting plan.
Plans regarding co-parenting
Following plans regarding co-parenting can be helpful in this regard.
It is essential to keep in mind what is the best for the child and in what way, settlement can support her relationship with both parents. Arranging residence for your child, where she has easy access to both of you, will prove very suitable and fruitful.
Every day decisions and undertakings
A successful co-parenting demands you to form plans around the daily choices from haircuts to sports teams and lessons. You must agree when either parent decides or both of you need to be involved in order to grow your child properly.
It is a testified fact that the most important responsibility of the parents is to provide proper education to their child. As responsible parents, both of you decide how you will converse on this important issue. And, I hope you will decide unanimous decision for your child’s proper and quality education.
If there are extended family members in the house, it is good thing to manage and prepare the essentials she needs to live with all the members of the family. You must teach your child how to have healthy contact with family members.
You are to develop peaceful behavior and conduct among all the family members that will enhance positivity in your child. As a result, her relation will be developed positively among the family members.
Vacation, holidays and special days
To make co-parenting effective for the advancement of your child, it is necessary for you to make special efforts to carry on the traditions that were in place prior to the divorce. Each of you should try to enjoy the special vacation and ceremonies with your child. Your child’s love for both of you will increase which will smoothen and comfort your heart also.
Belief and social legacy
Each school of thought has its religious and cultural events that are to be participated with the devotees belonging to that particular school of thought. They perform their religious rites. For good co-parenting, it is suitable to discuss each of your views and intentions for the child to participate or not participate in these activities. Both of you must be unanimous in decision for your child.
Monetary responsibilities of co-parenting
Being responsible parents, both of you ought to estimate all the future expenses like clothes, school supplies, medical bills and education. After estimating, you should decide and distribute the responsibilities in a pleasant atmosphere. Both of you must decide in advance who will pay particular dues to avoid complications and inconvenience for the betterment of your child.
The fundamental keys of co-parenting
Here are some important hidden keys that divorced parents can use to build a better future for their child. You will be happy to know that they are free and can be used irrespective of what one’s co-parent is doing. Do adopt these fundamental keys of co-parenting for the sake of your child’s advancement.
- Being courteous to each other in front of your child is an important key to develop love in your child for both of you.
- Each of you should share at least seven good things about each other with your child. By doing so, you can generate love in your child. As a result, she starts showing more love for both of you.
- Your child celebrates what she gets to do with her other parent. Each of you is to participate in her celebrations and tries to make enjoy more in order to keep her happy.
- Whosoever is nurturing the child, each of both parents, you should merrily have inspiring calls to her other parent.
- If there is any good information for your child, each of you should quickly share with your child as that is related to your child.
- It is necessary for each of you to avoid unnecessary lawful conflict before your child because it could affect her negatively.
- For marvelous result, you should treat your child in a pleasant and appreciative way. Each of you is to show love for her and tell her that she is very important for both the parents.
Ideal laws and principles of co-parenting
If you are divorced parents, co-parenting, during and after the divorce, is essential for the healthy growth of your child. The following laws have been planned to help you keep on focusing on what is most significant for the welfare of your child.
Do remember, no matter how you feel at any specified instant, your child is and should be your prime emphasis. She is much more vital than your annoyance or the tricks of your soon to be ex-spouse. These principles of co-parenting are for you to help your child flourish and prosper.
Collaborate with previous life-partner
The best sign of how well your child will regulate to the divorce is the level of courtesy between her parents. The child, who has a close and sympathetic rapport with both parents, has fewer complications.
Simplify parenting time
Both of you should work with each other collectively to develop a parenting time plan that meets the growing needs of your child from the time of divorce through age 18. Each of you should recognize that the needs of your child change as she gets older. You must create a plan that changes over time to best meet your child’s requirements.
Talk openly about parenting time
It is great thing to let the other parent know when you will be late picking up or dropping off your child. You should spend time working and playing with your child
As parents, you spend real time with your child so that enjoyment and work go on at both homes. If you live near the other parent, sometimes let the child spend some week days with the secondary parent to shun visit only parenting times.
Treat effectively your previous life-partner
You should check up, check in, and follow through in a responsible and mature fashion. Inspire your previous life partner to stay involved or get involved in school events, conferences, and extracurricular activities. It is superb to work out plans in advance when you will both be attending an event. You should allow your child talk freely with the other parent at any time.
Parenting time is for the child
If you take the position that parenting time is your right, it can have negative consequences. Even when you are upset with your child or your former spouse, continue spending regular parenting time with the child. Also, encourage your child to invite friends off and on. Make your time together as normal as possible.
Do not punish the child by denying or reducing contact with the other parent.
Every child needs separate time
If you have more than one kid and you allow your children move between homes in groups may cause tension among siblings. Each of the parents is to give proper time to each child so that the Children may not complain that they never get time alone with the secondary parent. Each parent should give proper time to each child and share feelings.
Your honesty with the child
There comes time when you need to provide an accurate view of the other parent. Be careful while you are nurturing your child and show truthfulness and honesty to your child and the other parent. When during the marriage your child witnesses grave problems, such as household violence and rude way of talking.
It is essential to talk honesty about what has happened without exaggeration or falsification. Say, for example, “The fights your father and I sometimes have is not about you. Each of us loves you. We just have problems in our marriage that we can’t solve.”
Let your child show her feelings
You should allow your child talk openly about her feelings. You should not cry or be overly emotional while you are talking about your life partner with your child because these talks or your crying may upset the child and it can become a barrier to communication. When you feel like crying, it is necessary to tell her immediately what the tears are about and unite yourself as much as possible.
You should say, for example, “When on earth people go through things like this, they have many dissimilar spirits. It is part of being sad. I personally still want to talk as much as you do.” She will understand your feelings of sadness due to divorce or separation. And in this way, she will really feel upset about the divorce.
Provide the child information about divorce
It has been noticed that often the parents have Teflon brains: Whatever they think, especially, in anger, sometimes it happens that it slides out of their mouths. You should not discuss adult issues, including financial matters or negative feelings about the other parent with your child.
But, instead you should try to talk about divorce in positive way so that it may not affect your child. Each parent should show love to their child equally so that she may feel that both of you are equally important for her. Even after divorce, she may feel the same love of each parent as she experienced before marriage.
Keep your child away from clash
You should not ask leading or prying questions about the other parent or ask your child to act as a messenger. When parents involve their child in such activities, it puts negative impact on the child. You are to make drop-offs and pick-ups as trouble-free and affectionate as possible.
You should be aware that these are stressful times for your child and she should not be provided staging for paramilitary fighting. Keeping away your child from your personal battle is necessary for you and your child’s safety.
Teach your child avoiding stressful situation
You should talk to your child if she is older; it is ok to say, “I don’t want to talk about this because it makes me feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to be uncomfortable.” Younger child can say, “That makes me feel like taffy.”
The concept of taffy was developed several years ago by a group of young students whose parents were getting divorced. They called themselves the taffy kids because they felt, pulled and stretched just like taffy, they had seen being made at the low state fair.
Find a good support network
You should not depend on your child to support you, comfort you, or understand your feelings and thoughts about the divorce. It is good for you to talk with friends, see a counselor, and join a post-divorce support group or a parent without partners group.
You must plan an exercise routine, and stick to it. You are to find activities that relax you and build them into your life. Your good support network will assist you in many issues related to your life and for the betterment of your child.
Be careful about making new friends
You should wait until you are reasonably sure that your relationship with new friend will be long-term. Before making new life partner, there should have understanding between you and your partner for the child. You must try to understand your child’s feelings in case of new partner.
You make sure that she will accept new partner or not. Taking her in trust is essential for your child’s betterment. Meeting and then losing several new friends can be difficult for the child. It is good not to make any decision in haste because hasty actions often cause disturbance and failure in result.
Your child’s awareness about handling tactics
It is good idea to help your child see divorce linked matters as challenges rather than difficulties. A challenge is something that just is and has to be handled with. You should encourage your child to join in a divorce care group. In this group, the child needs to learn that she is not alone; others are struggling with the same problems. This will help your child how to handle the problems.
Parents’ education about the divorce process
It is good thing for the parents that they should educate themselves about the divorce process and problems that occur after divorce. You, as parents, should study others who have suffered divorced life and have passed through what you are experiencing, you can learn from their mistakes. You can join a support group, see a mental health professional, or read some good books as well in this regard.
Rules for co-parenting
Rules for co-parenting can be divided in two parts. In first part, we are going to discuss what parents should do for good parenting; and in second part, we are going to discuss what parents should not do for good co-parenting. Let’s discuss:
What parents should do for co-parenting: Do’s of co parenting
- You should converse with the other parent to make alike rules in reference to discipline, routines, sleeping arrangements, and schedules. Appropriate discipline should be reciprocally decided between you and your partner for good co-parenting.
- You should alert the other parent in a timely manner the need to deviate from the parenting plan, including cancelling time with the child, rearranging, and rapidity.
- Each of you should make parenting time preparations and approvals in advance with each other as parents when the child is not present.
- It is your duty as parent that you should keep the other parent informed at all times of your address and phone number. If you are out of city or town with the child, you should provide the other parent address and phone number where the child may get easy access in case of any emergency.
- You should keep the other parent informed if there is any pedagogic, medicinal, psychiatric, or secondary activities or selections of the child.
- You should refer to the other parent as the child’s mother or father in talk, rather than using the parent’s first name, last name, or my former life partner.
- It is suitable that you should say to your child, “I love you!”
What parents shouldn’t do for co-parenting: Don’ts of co parenting
- You should not talk depressingly or allow others to talk adversely about the other parent, their family, friends, or their home, in hearing range of the child. These may include: demeaning comments, mocks, or bringing up charges that are lawful or illegal about adult problems.
- You should not ask question to your child about the other parent, her activities or personal life. The dangerous thing is to use the child for spying other parent. In particular terms, you should not use your child to spy on the other parents.
- You should not schedule activities for the child during the other parent’s time. But if you have got permission from other parent and he or she has given consent, there is no harm. Each of the parents need to work together to allow the child to be involved in extracurricular activities.
- You should not make promises to the child to win her over at the expense of the other parent as it is against the good parenting law.
- You should not argue or have heated conversations with the other parent when the child is present or during exchanges because it may hay psychological effect on your child.
- You should not bring the child into adult problems and talks about custody, the court, or about the other party. You should keep your child away from such issues.
- You should not ask the child where she wants to live or isolate the other parent from the child. Contrary to it, there should be mutual agreement between both the parents for the betterment of the child and for good co-parenting.
- You should not allow step-parents or others to depressingly change or transform your association with the other parent.
- You should not use phrases that draw the child into your matters or make them feel guilt-ridden about the time spent with the other parent.
- You should not say to your child, “I miss you!” rather, you should say, “I love you or I adore you.”
Extended information about co-parenting
Advantages of different new ways of co-parenting
You should think in different way leaving old ways or copying others which have made you dependent. So, it is good idea to be independent and think other ways with creative mind having belief that you have ability to do it. In first try, you may feel difficulty but when you start with your creative mind, you can do it.
As sensible parents, both of you have wisdom and its proof is that you have never had breakfast for dinner, have you? Your thinking of different ways, to approach a position, can help you recognize, there is more than one answer. It is right that traditions are important in your life, but you may need to create new traditions to meet the changing needs in your family.
No one says that holidays and birthdays can only be celebrated on one specific day. Each of the parents should be flexible for good co-parenting and being flexible makes it easier for everyone to cope with the situations. Your creative new different methods can be very beneficial in this context.
Your pledge for co-parenting
It has been observed that parents give few minutes to their child in a week. Rest of huge time they spend on their own activities that is against the justice. There are about 10,000 minutes in a week. When parents live apart most children see them together for about 4 of those minutes. Your child needs more time when she can talk about any topic, no matter how difficult or emotional, it is.
Each of the parents is required to be peaceful that moment when they come to see their child. For fruitful co-parenting, they should make the pledge and act upon what has been decided. Being parent, you should make following pledge.
You must agree that all the time when your child sees you together or hears you speaking belongs to your child. This time is entirely for meeting her needs, including especially her need to see you act as responsible adults who work together for her. Do remember that for these few minutes you will not argue or deal with difficult issues. Your child deserves this gift of quality time from you.
Irrespective of what her co-parent does or how she thinks she’s been treated. She will always speak and act as a well-mannered and responsible adult during all pickups and drop offs, all other times child sees you together and any communication between you that your partner can hear or see.
With this agreement, each of you will have the benefit of knowing that your child will be safer and happier that you can approach all family encounters. Make sure that you provide all what your child needs.
Effective co-parenting brings positive outcomes
In co-parenting, parents work together in their roles as care providers. Effective co-parenting involves collaboration, supportiveness, and joint association. Co-parenting paves the path for both the parents to increase warmth in their relations with their child.
When both parents support and encourage each other, they are more likely to involve in the delicate parenting compulsory for their child’s finest brain growth.
A strong marriage’s benefits
There is vast research on how the promises between parents affect child’s growth. The child is affected by the worth of her parents’ relationship even in the first three years of life.
Satisfying marriages are more tied up in their role as parents and have more positive attitudes toward their child. But, in extreme conflict, contrary to it, is linked with unsympathetic and severe parenting.
Parents’ clash upsets the child
Clash between parents is a common part of warm relationships. It has been observed that dissimilarities and arguments that are controlled productively pose few dangers for the child. On the other hand, when conflict is repeated, severe, or aggressive, child can also be negatively affected by it.
You must remember one thing that frequent experience to such clashes can be a source of long-lasting stress for your child. Toddler may begin to see her parents as scary, and older child is likely to learn poor behavior and social skills.
Benefits of smart policies
The birth of a child is also an opening of opportunity for improving parenting in unmarried couples. Unmarried father and mother are likely to be romantically involved at the time of their child’s birth, although father inclines to have less contact as the child grows older.
Jointly caring parenting, in unmarried couples, promotes father’s constant participation and recovers father-child relationship. The months before and after a child’s birth may provide an entry point for policies that engage both parents in programs to improve co-parenting, father involvement, and child’s well-being.
Resilience for co-parenting
Resilience families have an elastic construction that they can adjust to fit their needs and challenges over time, rather than holding a firm conception of family roles and rules. This allows the family to adapt to changes which may come about through disaster or hardships of couples’ separation.
Resilient family improves and reschedules in the face of challenges, rather than returning to the way things were before the crisis.
Flexibility in good co-parenting
Flexibility is the sign of living people and rigidity is of dead ones. It is necessary for both the parents to be flexible for good parenting. Gifted are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape. If we see the bigger picture of what the important issues are, we can be ready for some of the changes of our ways. May be, we need to change the rules and share in the decision making. We often get in a rut of thinking; there is only one way to accomplish our goal-be open to new ideas and new ways of thinking.
Final Tips for co-parenting
- As parent it is your first goal to bring happiness in your child and do something special for her well-being. The sooner you do, the better it is for your child.
- You should treat the other parent in a trade like way.
- You should treat your child as a child if you want your child happy and successful.
- Appreciate and encourage your child on her relationship with the other parent.
- Negotiate directly with the other parent for the benefit of the child. Your child should be first priority for both of you.
- Satisfying and cheerful interactions in order to provide an atmosphere of love, happiness and blissfulness to your child is also a significant thing for your child’s motivation.
- You should take parenting classes to understand well the importance of parents’ cooperation with each other and its positive results on your child.
- You should support your child on time because your timely support can save her from many issues.
- You should be patient and flexible because these qualities produce courage and steadfastness that lead to success and happy ending.
- You should get counseling when you need to as it can help you in handling many challenges. Counselors are for your guidance.
- You should seek guidance from your spiritual mentors because sometimes, it proves beneficial in many ways not only for you but also for your child.
In a nutshell
Co- parenting is a big challenge for the parents of modern age because of the multifaceted priorities of parents. In this article, principles and do’s and don’ts of co-parenting can be very effective and helpful for co-parents.
Dear parents, chew this article to refine your journey of parenting and share your gut feelings with us so that we may improve ourselves to serve you in the best possible way.
Wish you happy parenting.